The Lie We've All Been Told

We've all been told, "Time heals all wounds", and we've all been left feeling broken or like something is wrong with us when our wounds don't heal with time. This message is often meant to offer comfort but instead leaves us feeling disappointed and filled with shame for not being able to just move on.

So if time doesn't heal all wounds, then why after awhile do we tend to feel better than we once did? Because healing heals all wounds, and healing takes time. 

But some healing takes a lot more than time. 

What is Complex Trauma

You probably have heard of trauma before--trauma is what happens in our body when our nervous system is too overwhelmed to cope with an event. 

Complex Trauma though is when we experience those overwhelming events over and over and over again without enough time in between to heal or process the events. 

Complex trauma impacts the brain in negative ways because it exposes it to toxic levels of stress hormones for long periods, which is especially harmful when complex trauma is experienced in childhood. 

Complex trauma has less to do with how big or how bad the events were, but more about how frequent they were, and how much they shaped who you became.

Complex trauma often leads us to form deep beliefs about ourselves — like ‘I’m not safe,’ ‘I’m not lovable,’ or ‘I have to earn my worth’ — and shapes the way our nervous system responds to stress.” 

Why Time Alone Doesn't Heal it

Back in the 90s,  Bessel van der Kolk wrote about the ways that trauma is stored in the body and since then scientists have been studying this concept and learning more and more about the impacts that trauma have on human beings.

Some of these things are:

Complex Trauma shapes our responses to stress.

When we experience complex trauma we develop patterns for protection because neurons that fire together wire together. Time doesn't undo those patterns that have formed, but we do have something called neuroplasticity in our brains which allow us to rewire our brains with some intentionality. 

Our brains are hardwired to protect us. 

When we go through complex trauma, our brains become used to threats to our safety and well-being so they soon become accustomed to searching for threats constantly in order to be able to prepare to protect us.

That means that even if you find yourself in safe spaces, you still have a brain that is anxious and on edge, looking for danger. That's something that doesn't go away on its own and just like your brain had to be taught that the world was dangerous (through your trauma), it also needs to be taught that the world is safe.

Healing requires safety.

Time doesn't guarantee safety. It's up to us to create safe spaces in our worlds by spending time around people who are good for our nervous systems.

We can do this by listening to our minds and bodies when we're in social settings, recognizing your limits, speaking your boundaries, and protecting your peace. 

We developed coping strategies because they worked--until they didn't.

It's important to remember that the patterns of behavior that developed when we were surviving trauma--and these things helped us survive, they got us this far. The reason you're suffering today is because these patterns no longer serve you and they're not going away on their own. 

What Healing Actually Takes

1. Build Safety First. If your nervous system isn't safe, you still need your defense mechanisms.

2. Get the right kind of support. Not everyone is well-versed in trauma. Make sure the help and support you receive is designed for someone who has lived through complex trauma, and know that good intentions don't always yeild good impacts. Someone may want to help and still not be equipped to. 

3. Be gentle with your expectation. Healing is not linear, it doesn't happen in a straight line. You'll have ups and downs. You'll take steps forward and you'll experience backslides. You'll find yourself at mountain peaks and in the valley-lows. It's my belief, though, that the valleys are where the magic happens, which is why I named my practice Valley-High Counseling — to remind us that even in the low points, we may be moments away from the magic. 

You're Not Broken--You're Adapting

Remember that you're not broken and you never have been. You've adapted to every difficulty you've ever encountered. You've spent your entire life surviving. You've just reached the point where surviving isn't enough anymore, and you're ready to start thriving.

How brave you are

If this blog speaks to you, you’re not alone. I’m hosting a 3-hour workshop called Breaking Free from Your Past for folks just like you — people who’ve been carrying invisible wounds for too long. Learn more here

More of a one-on-one kind of person? Reach out today to schedule an appointment.

You’re not alone in this. Healing is possible — and you don’t have to do it alone.