Authentically You — A Short Guide to Unmasking for Neurodivergents
What is unmasking?
Unmasking means being willing to be seen as your true self. Many folx present different versions of themselves depending on the situation. Others offer the same filtered version to everyone because the world doesn’t feel safe to show their full selves.
Authenticity for neurodivergents
Authentic connection matters deeply to many neurodivergent people. Some believe relationships can’t form without it. Yet I often hear from neurodivergent clients who were “too authentic” and then were hurt or rejected. That creates a painful tension: connection without authenticity feels fake, but being authentic can sometimes feel risky.
It’s not that neurotypicals don’t value authenticity — they often have a different rhythm for how they build trust and intimacy.
Different rhythms of relating
Typical social patterns for many neurotypicals:
Meet someone.
Begin with small talk and slowly move toward deeper topics.
Wait for events or signals that make vulnerability feel safer.
Test vulnerability and then step back to evaluate.
Increase authenticity when the relationship feels safe.
Set a vulnerability threshold for each relationship.
How many neurodivergents tend to relate:
Meet someone and often share deeper, vulnerable information early.
Decide quickly whether that person is safe.
Continue sharing until the person proves unsafe.
If unsafe, stop sharing vulnerable material with them.
Both nervous systems seek connection and community; they just use different paths. Neurotypicals often require proof of safety before deep sharing. Neurodivergents may use depth to create that safety. The need for meaningful connection and efficiency can sometimes look like “too much, too soon.”
How to decide how to unmask
Masking isn’t necessarily faking. It’s a social skill many learn early to stay safe. We filter behaviors, thoughts, and emotions depending on context—what’s comforting at home may be unsafe at school or work.
Over time, that feedback can dilute how you present yourself. Think of your truest self as concentrated grape Kool-Aid powder. Adding water doesn’t change the flavor; it dilutes the concentration. You can give a full, concentrated cup or start with a diluted one and add more powder over time.
As relationships develop, you decide how much “powder” to share. Small gestures—someone remembering your birthday, acting with integrity, or helping you in a moment of choice—are reasons to add more concentrate. You never owe anyone your full concentration; you choose the level that feels both fulfilling and safe.
In short: authenticity isn’t binary. It’s many shades of the same color.
Practical steps
Reflect on your “flavor”: What feels like your truest self?
Identify green flags: What makes someone feel safe?
Identify red flags: What makes someone feel unsafe?
Use those flags to decide the “concentration” of yourself you share in each relationship.